“Two and a Half Inches” starring Anthony Supertramp

August 31, 2011: Sometimes...I can’t believe what I find myself doing during my travels. The other day, my friend suggested that I go to the casting to be in an episode of the sitcom Two and a Half Men that was being filmed in Uruguay. Thinking that they must need some cheap English speaking extras, I thought…why not, it is a cheap free experience and the only time that I will waste is that of the casting company if I don’t happen to get a part…any part.

My appointment with the casting company seemed to be at an awkward time. Walking down this dark poorly lit abandon looking street at around 8:12 in the evening; I was thinking that this must be some sort of scam where I will have to pay an upfront fee to join an agency to get work as an actor. Or, even worse - or even better, depending on how you look at it and how you feel about sexual diseases...I was thinking what are the odds were that this was actually a “bait and switch” scam where I come in with the intension to be filmed in a sitcom and then find myself a few hours later starring in a skin flick called “Two and a Half Inches“ being distributed in the backrooms of the sketchy DVD shops throughout the world with a XXX label along the binding.

Pushing the button on the intercom so that I could make it up to the second floor of the building…I waited. Some noise gushed out of the device on the wall but I did not understand much as the woman spoke Spanish at crack-like speeds. Stating that I needed to speak to Natalia, I heard a buzz, granting me access inside.

Walking up the long set of stairs into an empty hallway…I stood there…not know where to go. A book sat there with some paper so I signed in and look over an agreement that was placed next to it - thankfully it was in…Spanish. The writing was not a font size of 1 or 2, did not have big complicated words, nor was it a large agreement, so I concluded that it must have been a waiver.
After reviewing this harmless paper, I was given an internal shot of anxiety. This is where I discovered that this wasn’t the casting for being an extra in a sitcom, having to say a line or two or three. There was a break in communication somewhere since this was for a commercial for Two and a Half Men in which required only one man and one woman. Now that I knew I was not going to be able to hide behind a bunch of waiters, bartenders and office temps who inspire to be actors, I was hesitant on even going into the next room.

“What am I doing?” I once again thought. I decided to quickly mentally translate my English thoughts into Spanish on how I was confused about what they were casting for so I could quickly leave and thank them for their time.

Being called into the room, there was the videographer and a super tall thin model looking actress bent over taking off her high slut shoes as she was putting on a smaller more practical version of slut shoes. Glancing over to my right I noticed the white room where the lighting and video camera was set up. Since this area did not contain a bed, I safely concluded that this was a legitimist studio.

The Spanish words that I previously thought of to quickly end my actor career before it even had a chance to begin, sat at the tip of my tongue…but never managed to fall completely out as I found myself following the directions of the videographer placing myself in the white box – internally laughing to myself, not believing that I am standing here under all of these lights doing this.

During the next 30 minutes I was suppose to act…I was suppose to act like a bad actor applying for a job to take over Charlie Sheen job on Two and a Half Men. From having to perform impromptu themes such as picking up women, telling a joke, letting out fake obnoxious laughs, doing a serious impersonation and then finishing with a silly one - pulling off my version of a chicken with style – my specialty.

Since acting like a bad actor was what they were looking for…I couldn’t have been more perfect for the part because I am not an actor. If I claimed to be one…I would unfortunately be a really really bad actor like a Steven Stiegel or Sylvester Stallone without the muscle mass. I have never performed any type of Hollywood style acting till my futile attempts today - except for the rare occasions that it is necessary for me to produce some fake external tears and to pull off those well needed occasional lies throughout my lifetime.

Not expecting to hear anything back from the studio, I was shocked that yesterday I was called and how they wanted to make sure I didn’t leave the country, needing me to stay here for the next few days. What?! Yes, I made the final casting. I must have been really good at being a bad actor…really good.

My 39th birthday was today and I seemed to spend most part of the day inside my hostel during the typical South American business hours so that I could answer any important calls. After the casting company called me to know what my cloth sizes were, I thought that just maybe…just maybe I would soon have to explain to immigration on how acting is not really “working” since I am visiting this country on a tourist visa…technically making it unable for me to legally work here in Uruguay.

As the day came to the end, I saw that my finger were still crossed, but still not so tightly crossed. I must not have been bad enough of an actor to be chosen for the part…but, I now have a better understanding of a small part that is involved in making a commercial and how individuals might be drawn to questionable day jobs with the hope to someday be on television. I was unable to take a ride today, but attempting to jump on the wagon was exciting.