The Man in a Cocoon

September 1st, 2009: Sliding into my chilly cocoon that strongly resembles a sleeping bag, my body violently shakes as I painfully reach to grasp my blanket to cover myself from the outside world. Laying there I look as if I am going though some withdraws from a cocaine addiction I never even had a chance to start. My body seems to be in a full blown battle that started its defensive days earlier.

I feel as if every inch of my body was mercilessly clubbed by a heartless Eskimo wanting my pasty white skin for a new face not to mention that my eyes seeming like my optical cords were painfully shortened by an inspiring doctor who read the most recent edition of “How to harvest optical cords for Dummies.” To look somewhere besides straight ahead…I had to use Mr. Frankenstein’s effective technique of rotating my body in my desired direction to see.

I must have looked quite amusing as I staggered down the streets of Quito to get some soup today at the local market. Perhaps this is the source of my problem. Not wanting to eat at restaurants, I have been consuming loads of calories from the individuals with their BBQ’s and fryers along the street, where you can pick up a meal for roughly a $1. I know the meat sits there all day and unrefrigerated, but I eat this not just for survival but to toughen up my soft westernized stomach. After so many times of getting sick I would think that by now I would have callused my stomach lining enough to eat raw sewage, stones and other appetizing items I find along the way – like a goat I suppose.

Thinking that my body was performing a deep cleaning…discharging everything that was good and bad, I had confidence that in time it would defeat this intruder. I am attempting to keep the doctors and the pharmaceutical empire out of this...not knowing how many weeks of travel will be lost from the cost of such a visit and how I am going to explain everything in a language I am not yet proficient in without a translator.

In my cocoon my mind is easily tricked to think it was camping. Wonderful thoughts battled my physical reality. The sleeping bag was a counter measure the invading forces were not ready for. Mentally I laid there growing stronger, getting me through another long cold night on the battle field. Maaahhhh.

Canoeing upriver…joy

August 28th, 2009: Today I went canoeing upriver, questioning my ability to manage my money. I no longer want to pursue the brief thought of buying a canoe and heading down the Amazon in its entirety. What a nightmare it would be if I took the wrong route and had to paddle upstream. Do people actually get joy out of paddling upstream? Of course there are a few selected individuals who would get pleasure from this…perhaps if you are the fitness guru, Tony Little or one of his followers, but not me. I could possibly do this trip down the Amazon if I had a longboat with a small engine, a seat with 100’s of those obnoxious massaging balls on it, but most importantly…two bought friends that can do all the paddling in case there were some engine problems.

I was exhausted, looking more like a paddling dead man as we made our journey up the river. The men with girlfriends conveniently switched paddling duties so they can relax and enjoy the scenic surroundings. If I knew this was going to be the case I would have found a temporary girlfriend in Quito before coming here. Everyone had girlfriends on our canoe – excluding myself and our guide that was busy doing the most important part…steering.

As time passed by, one of the girls must have seen how each time I paddled, I was putting less and less power behind it with my twig-like arms. She kindly asked me if I wanted her to take over paddling for a bit. At first I said no, but inside I was saying, “please don’t accept that blatantly obvious courtesy no and to just ask me one more time!” Time seemed to be moving as slow as we were. After 1000’s of calories were carelessly burnt, the girl asked me again if she could take over, where this time there was no hesitation as the word, “okay” slurred out of my mouth.

There was another canoe filled with a group of young Israelis who were obviously at one point in their lives in the military. Stopping underneath a branch, we held onto each others boats as we were looking at a tiny-tiny-tiny snake that was resting in the branches above us. A harmless gardener snake could have wrestled this snake to its death. The snake started to make its way to our boats hanging farther and farther down the branch as the Israelis quickly tried to move out of its way…then panic filled the boats as a man began to yell, claiming it spit something at him. Quickly we dispersed as I laughed watching what unfolded. Perhaps I should have been nervous…but it looked so small. I guess I don’t read enough Snake Fancy magazines or visit the zoo enough to know how dangerous the smallest things can be around the Amazon.

The village...Shaman?

August 27th, 2009: Today we went to see an habitual drug user who labeled himself as a Shaman. I suppose it is much better than labeling himself as an addict. According to an ancient 1998 Oxford paperback dictionary, a Shaman is someone who is a witch-doctor or priest claiming to communicate with gods, etc. Yes, it is highly probable that the Shaman is going to see and communicate with things like fictitious spirits and pink elephants due to the miniscule amount of healthy brain cells he has left from drinking the hallucinogenic liquid cocktail known as ayawaska for the past 20 or so years.

I passed on the opportunity to try a bottle of this concoction which he was conveniently selling out of his hut. I personally don’t want to drink anything that you must expect to throw up from and could possibly cause you to involuntarily defecate on yourself – I must also keep in mind that the underwear I am now wearing needs to last me a couple of more days.

But, if I truly wanted to vomit and be known as poo-poo pants, I could have accomplish this for a low price of $0.00, by simply lifting up his mothers dress – I would then obviously immediately vomit anything I might have eaten in the past few days and then quickly get the shit beat out of me by her toothless husband.

When it was time to pay the Shaman his $2.00 fee for seeing him in his getup and hearing him say something in Spanish during his ritual - I handed over my money to a woman to pass on to the young entrepreneur. I hope he didn’t think that I skipped out on what I owed him…which could potentially result in him putting some sort of curse on me, as he sat near his homemade beaded necklaces and bracelets that were for sale.

After leaving, nobody that I talked to on our boat really believed in his abilities to place curses on people. I then asked, “If you don’t believe, could you put a curse on your mother and not think twice about it?” – this…they wouldn’t do.

Piranha fishing

August 26th, 2009: Being taught the technique of Piranha fishing in the Amazon Basin by our guide Tarzan, I thought it shouldn’t be too hard to catch one of these meat eaters…hoping that I would be able to break my dry spell of 24 years not catching anything except for women that I eventually released or those that I lost along the way. The technique seemed to be quite simple…all I had to do was hook a piece of meat on the line, drop it in the water, scream a bit and vigorously move the tip of the rod around.

I quickly realized these fish were not the savages Hollywood made them out to be. Most of them were casually nibbling on the fleshy meat that was being dangled on the string, reducing the meat to a microscopic morsel without me being able to give them an involuntary lip or cheek piercing.

The fish with the beautiful pearly whites were definitely hungry as the others on my long boat were hauling the piranhas in as everyone would annoyingly make these, “ooh and aah” noises. Sitting there I tried to telepathically talk to the fish, begging them to just hold onto the hook for just 20 seconds or so as I would ever so gently pull them. I could feel that my time was coming hoping and I was going to be the one to pull in the piranha that could eat a small dog or freshly born child in a single bite. I could see myself years from now, looking at a photo of me holding a piranha in front of a longboat in the Amazon basin telling all my unborn grandchildren how I pulled the piranha in after a 4 second battle – turning into a 45 minute battle as the years go by.

At the highest point of my boredom, I began to lazily flop my rod in the water…giving up hope. Wanting to casually flip my hook to the front of the boat and yank back the rod to quickly silence the crowds chatter- knowing that it might be best to continue day dreaming… going through the motions of fishing. Moments later Tarzan stole the enormous piranha that was for some unknown reason, meant for me as he flung it inside the longboat, landing next to a guy who miraculously levitated back a few seats.

A large amount of time went by, giving me plenty of time to think…about the inhumanness of fishing. Not wanting to potentially damage the piranha’s frightening smile when performing the lip or cheek piercing with the rusty metal hook, I put down my stick and decided that I didn’t want to catch any fish today or any other day this week, next week or the one after that for that matter. This decision had nothing to do with me realizing that I wasn’t going to catch anything…if I wanted to catch a dozen piranhas, I could have done it - really - sniffle - sniffle.

The Amazon Basin

August 25th, 2009: After my feeble attempt to get some puss filed “seat soars” by traveling 8 hours on a local bus, 4 hours on a transport bus and 2 hours on a longboat, I made it to the Amazon basin unscathed. Today was my first day in the Jungle at the Cuyabeno Reserve and I have already seen everything that I came to see: Squirrel Monkeys, Cappuccino Monkeys, Wooly Monkeys, Monsoky Monkeys - deep breath - spiders, bats, birds, caimans, anacondas and an extremely large Mormon sized family of cockroaches in my very own hut – and this was only my first day of this 5 day adventure.

At sunset, we motored out to the center of this soundless lagoon as I watched Mother Nature’s use of undiscovered shades of reds and oranges that Crayola has not yet capitalized on as she skillfully used the sky for her canvas, quickly changing it as the seconds raced by. Slowly she took the sun away from us and generously gave it to someone else to see as they patiently or not so patiently waited for its arrival.

Now hiring: Toilet designer

August 22nd, 2009: I made it back to Quito in one piece, but as the evening went on…it felt as if I became a carrier for a mutated strain of the Ebola virus. There seemed to be a need for my body to dispose of everything I put in my mouth for the past week or two – it is nice to see that corn in not only capable of showing up again from the other end. I truly hate being sick…hate it. Thankfully I have no hair to hold back as I would stick my head near the rim of the toilet bowl which looked more a psychedelic carpet of pubic hair, which quietly rested on the rim displaying various lengths, coarseness and a multitude of exotic colors. If I could only have had a clean rest room that I could sit on the ground and hug the bowl – safely touching the porcelain without involuntarily picking up any loose fibers. Couldn’t some toilet bowl manufacturer design a toilet made for sick people? You know…one bowl to sit on to make your deposit and one to vomit in without having to make the decision on what to do first. Since water does not move fast enough down that hole to who knows where, looking at or smelling what came out on either end at close range could never possibly be a pleasant experience.

Man vs. Bull

August 22nd, 2009: Sitting high up in an arena, I look down and see a man standing in the center…a flamboyant man in his tight red pants with his pink cape strutting around the ring as if he was some hero, calling himself a matador. Staring at him from 12 feet away, stands a massive bull…heavily breathing with steam literally bellowing from his nostrils as blood flows down his back. He charges the matador as he quickly steps aside, the crowd yelling, “ole!” The bull does a series of passes, unfortunately failing to gore the man.

At the final stage of this execution, the matador pointed his sword at the bull…aiming the cold piece of steel that is about to skewer the gargantuan piece of meat, attempting to place the blade between it clavicles and through the aorta. The large crowd of adults, kids and babies becomes silent as if they all simultaneously had their larynx ripped out of their throats as they wait for the final blow. The matador lunges toward the exhausted animal, impaling the sword into its back, missing the sweet spot thus prolonging the bull’s death. The bull stands there, looking at him with a sword in its back as blood is dripping down his body…thinking, “I just wanted to stay out in the field today, why are you doing this to me?”

The matador was beginning to grasp that he has poor aim and the bull was not going to go down. Minutes go by as the sword begins to work itself free. He grabs another sword from behind the wooden wall and flips the ineffective sword out. Again he plunges the sword in its back, as the bull still does nothing. The Matador is no longer strutting around the crowd as people leak noises of disappointment. I was hoping he practiced Japanese traditions, realizing he embarrassed his family tonight and would turn the sword onto himself. At this point, even the blood thirsty crowd wanted the animal to be put out of its misery.

After being stabbed in the back not just once but three times this evening, the bull that must have been in excruciating pain, as he finally drops to its knees. The matador’s assistant quickly went up to the disorientated bull and drove a knife in the back of its head, rotating it…letting the bull go back to the field he was pulled from and to his friends that were about to join him after their barbaric execution.

More today than any day, I wanted to see a man get gored by the bull. Not a grazing wound that would cause a minor injury or major scar…I wanted to see the bull hit the matador so hard, that he too would join the bull in that field.

The greatest show on earth?

August 21st, 2009: The white lights dim as bass is being thrown out of the speakers that circle the center ring. Red lights are casted down from great heights directing on these three scantily dressed women that came out from behind a plastic tarp dancing in a provocative manner. Hideously out of sync – they reminded me of a child’s first dance recital…but who needs to be in sync when you are wearing 4 inch heels, a green sequence g-string bottom and top that was more like oversized pasties for their large plate sized nipples. Feeling like I was visiting a strip club, I wanted to make my way up to the front of the ring with some dollar bills…to help pay for their well needed dance classes. Unfortunately the front row was already filled with…children, since I was at the circus…which was once upon a time, known as the greatest show on earth.

Throughout the night, sock packing men and women in spandex supporting highly groomed eyebrows and wearing freshly applied Tammy Faye Bakker-style makeup jobs, were performing acts that could be done by any highly impaired street performer. The performances were not spectacular, great, breathtaking or anything but hilarious. Unfortunately since this was not their intent, I could only suck my checks in, painfully biting deep into my flesh to prevent me from laughing at what I was witnessing.

When it was time for the big event, my short term memory quickly helped me forgot about the prior performances. I anxiously leaned forward on the bench trying to get inches closer to see…the great white tiger. The music was turned up to obviously muffle what everyone was about to say when out from behind the tarp staggered a small sickly looking animal. Trying to increase my vision by squinting, it did nothing but increase my imagination. The white striped creature slowly moved around the ring on a leash and at times dropped to its back, not moving at all. The children who clearly disregarded the purpose of the seats, stood there starring at this ill creature from the edge of the ring…silent. Right before the children were at the brink of tears, it was at that moment, the clown pulled off its costume revealing that it was a white tiger…born in a poodle’s body. I was disappointed that I didn’t see a white tiger but happier that it wasn’t one.

What happened to the circus…in all countries, not just in South America? When growing up they were amazing! They had real tigers, elephants, clowns and acts that what would steal your breath. Did PETA destroy the circus? Or could it be that affordable laser hair removal has made it almost impossible to see a bearded lady at the circus sideshow? Just like the rusty rides that sat outside the big top tonight…the circus is dying. It now draws of a bunch of bottom feeders claiming it will bring back a piece of your youth, but ultimately failing me each and every single time…until one day, I too will give up on what use to be…the greatest show on earth.

Now who said carnival rides are not safe?

August 21st, 2009: Standing in a dusty field next to the Pacific Ocean, my eyes rested on a rusty metal ride called the Ring of Fire. The metal was bent, twisted and seemed to be held together by some plastic bolts that were apparently made by Fisher Price. At the top of the ride, flaps a tattered U.S. flag, resembling the one that the Marines and Navy Corpsman famously raised during the battle of Iwo Jima. Clearly, the U.S. safety standards for carnival rides must have displaced this vehicle of entertainment to our southern neighbor years ago.

Walking around the carnival, I felt as if I jumped in my DeLorean with a flux capacitor and was taken back in time. Noticing the Toboggan ride, artistically this could resemble an expensive piece of modern art which has not yet been discovered. Until this happens, it is merely an antique seeming to be more terrifying now, than when it was new and fully functional. I am not sure if it was because of the eerie sounds that the ride made when the people were being lifted to great heights or if it was when the cart spun down the rusty metal rails, failing to make it up the last dip without the assistance of the operator…needing to push it up before the trialing cart collided into the other ones, creating a pile up or possible derailment.

To me, it seemed that there was a lot of potential work for a highly skilled carny mechanic. Never the less, I was proud to see that the U.S. companies who sold the rides were being conscience about the need to recycle in addition to helping…curb overpopulation in selected cities of Ecuador by the convenience of, accidents. Who said Corporate America is not doing its part to making this world a better place?

Whales love tuna

August 18th, 2009: My eyes were closed as my mind placed myself in another place to prevent myself from joining the others as tuna was projected off the boat and back into the sea after being held captive in their stomachs for most of the day. The ocean was producing some extraordinary waves tossing us around as we attempted to make our way back to the mainland from the Isle de la Plata after a tour seeing all of the amazing wildlife.

Wanting to see if the waves somehow miraculously evaporate, I slowly opened my eyes. As soon as my eyes fully opened, a humpback whale bought her 79,000 pounds of blubber out of the water as it breached right next to our boat. Everyone seemed to gasp, even those who were ever so kindly baiting the whales with their very own tuna scented vomit.

After taking about 200 photos of missed whale shots as they would quickly rise from the water for air and go back under, I decided to just observe what was taking place and leave the fading memories up my brain.

Clothes washing day

August 17th, 2009: Attractive women must to be banned from all laundry facilities. Being a backpacker it is necessary to wear your clothes much longer than you would normally at home. By not knowing people for more than three days at a time and by not traveling with a girlfriend…it is a commonly accepted practice to wear clothes for a multitude of days. When I handed over my foul clothes over to the beautiful woman behind the desk, I was utterly embarrassed when she held the plastic bag away from her as if the smell was going to attach itself onto her. I left the facility hoping she would not look too closely at the items that needed to be tossed in a biohazard bin, not a laundry machine, praying that the price I was paying did not include…stain removal.

Backpack almost ready to give birth

August 17th, 2009: My backpack is pregnant and it is about to give birth. I started this trip with a bag that was in its second trimester. Now…after 4 months of traveling, it has expanded at almost the same rate of a woman’s belly during pregnancy. When carrying my backpack, I am even experience similar difficulties of a pregnant woman such as having troubles standing up, back pain, moodiness and not wanting to walk too far. Though, unlike a woman…I have a choice to abort this excess baggage anytime I choose, even during the end of my third trimester. No trusty metal hanger or shop vac needed…just a simple plastic bag.

Having options…I have scraped all of my potentially disposable items to see how much smaller I can actually make the backpack. It ended up being about the size of two healthy twins. I can now pick up my pack without having to wear a lifting belt or letting out a somewhat entertaining grunt. It’s feels liberating, but…can I go through with it? Since my friend is visiting me from back home…I might wait for my bag to give birth and hand off my responsibility to her. As I type, I look over at the…twins. They somehow look at me as if it has a conscience, whimpering, questioning my decision. You know what? I think I need some sleep.

(I officially threw out in total…four receipts and a map of some random park. I now have the twins in a plastic bag which now clearly represents the placenta. Impatiently, I wait for my friend’s visit in 24 days)

Life without WiFi

September 19th, 2009: Currently I am living life without WiFi...meaning I cant post anything new that I wrote until I find somewhere that has it. It gets harder when the towns get smaller. Or I can get a bit crazy and live life on the edge by putting my memory stick into a dirty public computer, potencially giving my computer a virus or worm. I have not stopped writing so check back later this week.

Also...if you are reading my blog, please sign up as a follower. It helps me see that more than 9 people are reading it, this might motivate me a bit. If you dont want me to know you are reading it, be creative and sign up under some fictional name - thanks!

Over the top

August 10th, 2009: Feeling the need…for speed (some famous movie quote), I was cruising on a perfectly functioning mountain bike down a perfectly constructed paved road leading to the Jungle. Looking back over my shoulder for any potential cars that might be approaching me…I swerved ever so slightly off the main road for a brief second, going on the algae covered water runoff drain that ran parallel with the road. My front tire quickly buckling underneath me - time slowed down but not enough for me to be able to make any choices. My arms instinctively flew out in front of me, only having enough time to protect my left and right nipple. Somehow, I turned my head to the side and pulled my chin tightly into my neck…denying myself a prime opportunity to make out with the pavement as my head smacked the concrete.

Embarrassed, I quickly rose from the cement and attempted to get back on the bike. Feeling as if I had a much too many beers, I couldn’t ride the bike. When the cars down the road slowly passed by me, I looked away just in case they saw what just happened. Blood dripped down my skinned palms and knuckles from when my body slammed onto the concrete. My head was throbbing and throat hurt from imbedding my chin into it. Wearing a helmet that properly fit was the key to gradually making it back on the bike. Wondering if I had a concussion, I didn’t immediately vomit or form a speech impediment…which for starters, was a good sign. Thankfully, as for the rest of my body, I was wearing so many layers of clothes it provided me with a nice cushion upon impact.

Turning my bike in…the lady noticed the blood on my hands. Seeming concerned, she asked me if I was okay. I told her I was fine, saying that I scraped it falling off a rock at the waterfalls…not wanting her to worry about calculating the astronomical costs for the cosmetic damage I did and did not do to the bike. I thought since I saw no major visible damage…there was no reason to make her work too hard – it was a holiday.

Next time…check the bike

August 5th, 2009: I took a mountain bike trip that was run out of my hostel today. The selling point was that it was $30 cheaper than their competitors costing me only $15. After seeing their competition when going up the mountain yesterday, I thought that I must have gotten a good deal.

Driving up to the top of Mt. Ruminahui we disembarked the vehicle at 15,180 feet. Once we took the bikes off the roof of the SUV, I was able to get a closer look at the bikes…realizing why we got such a good deal. The bikes were perhaps worth $15…a lot less if you calculated what needed to be fixed. The repairs I initially saw were things like a bent seat, handle bars and pedals. Prior to leaving for the tour, I didn’t notice that in the book describing this tour, someone added an arrow in front of the word bike and wrote, “shit.”

We headed down a dirt road on these… pieces, dodging the minor obstacles such as rocks, fresh cow piles and the makers of these piles. The ride was not difficult by any means - the problem was when I was approached my first corner at a high rate of speed. Applying my brakes softly at first, nothing happened…applying more pressure, the only thing that happened was that my front brake pretended it was working and back one worked so well, the tire wanted to come out from underneath me - now it is time for me to add another minor item that needed repairs…brakes. Not a problem if you were intending on just going straight on a flat level surface, but you see…this was a 3,630 foot downhill bike ride.

Not sure if I should go off the hill with the bike and pull a massive non-recorded last jump or just lay it down - I choose neither as I squeezed my brakes, skidding sideways on the loose gravel. When hitting the grass before the drop off my tire gained stability as I was just able to make the turn. The bike ride just became…a little more exciting. Now that I knew not too expect much from the bike, I was able to compensate the lack of stopping power by unwillingly wearing out several weeks of good use on the soles of my shoes by using my feet.

Stopping the bike, I decided to do a somewhat delayed equipment check. At one point during my bikes life it had disk brakes on the front but for some reason they were replaced with pad brakes that were purely aesthetics. Continuing our ride I was happy that I was not the only one that had a lemon… everyone had issues. Next time, I will have to think about…spending a few extra dollars.

(Bow your head - I was told that the following week someone actually went off the side on one of these “shit” bikes and had to go to the hospital due to some deep lacerations to his face)

Hiking at 16,170 feet

August 4th, 2009: Stepping out of the Toyota VI land capsule, I made one small step for man and one large step for mankind as I faced the elements on Mt. Cotopaxi. It seems as if I just walked in on a 1,000,000 plus year battle between the wind and the mountain as it rips over its surface, trying to peel its loose lifeless skin. With no trees to hug or bushes to hide under, I had nothing to keep me for being involuntarily lifted off the mountain as the wind pushed me around. Leaning deep into the wind I was able to walk in somewhat of a straight sober-like line until it would take a breath, falling forward as I leaned into what was no longer there. The small rocks tried to escape the mountain by sneaking in from the tops of my shoes, hoping that I would transport them to safety. Helping weigh me down, I was initially happy to assist a few refugees… until they tried to completely occupy my shoes. Not wanting to be selective, I dumped all of them on the side of the trail.

At about 15,180 feet, I thought I would have had more serious issues adapting to the thin air. Initially I felt as if each breath was a challenge and every movement seemed as if I was on my third and final set of resistance training at the local gym. The immense sound of the wind doing its war cry masked all other noises, preventing me from hearing the sound of my lungs struggling for air and the impact of my feet as it made contact with the snow and rocks. As time grew older…instead of being weakened by the altitude I began to feel extremely light and powerful. For some odd reason, it didn’t even seem as if I owned my body…it was a machine, moving to its destination. I experienced almost no pain except for when the wind performed an unqualified acupuncture session on my face with what felt like frigid needles. Either I was actually getting stronger as the trail moved us higher up the mountain or I might have been - just maybe…suffering from a lack of oxygen and didn’t know it.

After an hour of hiking, my group and I reached the refuge at 15,840 feet. Standing here, for the first time I thought that it would have been amazing climbing to the peak. When I say climb, it is more like a stroll since Cotopaxi is the place where you can see a pregnant woman with a bad fitting artificial leg and her 6 year old son strapped to her back summiting the top - as long as she has the $190…for each of them.

Intending to make it to the base of the glacier, we left the safety of the refuge and headed up the trail. As the elevation increased, the trail began to hide from us by going underneath the snow. Standing there naked, with no gear, I noticed the angle of the slope with dramatically increasing. I am not calling myself a mountain climber, but having watched enough Hollywood films to know that if there was a slip, we would be performing a high speed slide, without stopping until striking the jagged rocks sitting below us as bumpers in a pinball machine. Just as I internally thought that I really didn’t want to play follow the leader anymore, our guide turned to me and said that we could not go any further. Thanks beejesus…he reads minds - stopping our ascent at around 16,170 feet.

On my decent from the refuge, I felt the hood on my jacket filling with air, creating a miniature parachute carrying me down, as my steps were more like record breaking long jumps on the loose tiny stones. Reaching the Toyota VI capsule, I childishly called…shotgun. Slightly chilled, I climbed inside sitting in front with my hands resting on the vents…hinting to our driver that I was anticipating the hot air…that never arrived. I would like to think, it was broken. Today, Mt Cotopaxi…tomorrow, Mt…Rushmore.

It is always easier to go up…than down

July 29th, 2009: My hand shaking, as I look up trying to find a stable rock to grab onto…seeing nothing, I stretch my arm up above my head, feeling and hoping for anything. “I must not look down, I must not look down, l must not look down” I told myself…as I look down, squinting - as if this is going to somehow make things better. I see nothing below me but my two heels protruding out of the cliff. At this point I was about 212.3 feet in the air clinging to the side of the rock face. With no helmet, rope or safety equipment, I am attempting to follow my friends (that also have a limited amount of brain cells) to the top of this gargantuan rock outside, Quito. Thinking that I should have stuck with my original decision, to meet them on the other side, but I was now committed with no option to turn around, since it is always easier to go up…than down.

Glued to the rock, I could not get the thought out of my mind on what happened to me over the years? I thought I use to be quite brave, doing almost anything…not thinking too much about what could happen. Now, there seems to be such a struggle doing activities that may be questionable. I am curious if what I am fighting is…common sense.

Ledge after ledge, I was hoping there was some other route back. Trying not to climb too close to the others above me in case they fell to their deaths, I was disadvantage on not knowing the way they were taking. I had to get the fear out of me…this was not a wise place to be scared. To help defeat my fears…at first I thought that if two women can do this, I should be able to – that didn’t even come close to working. I then thought of something that is typically true and it ever so briefly made me feel better. If two women were doing this, it must not be that bad because they would have been the ones smart enough to say we shouldn’t - later thinking they must have been two lesbians who play the man’s role.

Meeting a guy who was coming from a different route, told us that he saw the way we were going up and thought we were crazy - definition of crazy in this context meant…stupid. I wanted to agree but I held that thought to myself. Now knowing that we didn’t have to go down the same way we came up – not to mention going the way of someone who thought we were crazy…I was relieved. This relief was brief…lasting only until we began following him down after reaching the peak. Seeing an easier way down that he didn’t want to capitalize on, I separated from his route with the others. Crossing back onto his path we were now in ahead of him. Standing there…we look up and see him dangling above us, as his feet were trying to feel some footing below him. Not wanting to be the person to break his fall, I observed him from a distance as I quickly I pulled out my camera and started recording the event on video…while the others pulled out their cameras to take photos. They too knew this was going to be a good photo opportunity…if he falls. Calculating a 92% chance of him falling…I was going to be there to capture it.

Waiting for the fall, somehow – I don’t know how…he made it down safely, beating the odds. He must have had someone - no, not someone…a congregation praying for him. I went up to him after and patted him on the back for defying mathematics. Once again I thought, it is always easier to go up…than down.

Overlooking Quito, the new Gotham City

July 26th, 2009: Arriving into Quito at the bus terminal, I asked a woman that worked at the bus stand for directions in Spanish. She gave me the most unattractive look I have seen from a woman in the longest time. I originally interpreted the look as being the, “why are you bothering me look” – thinking about it now, maybe I accidently said something…offensive.

Walking around lost, I went back to ask her for directions again, but now I was armed with my fail proof method. Smiling at her, I grunted and pointed in the book on where I wanted to go. We were now communicating on a level we can both understand. She was very helpful pointing to what platform I needed to go to…and even smiled back at me – did she forget it was me? Going about 20 feet…I was lost, again. Not wanting to push my luck with her, I asked another uniformed person roaming the bus terminal and made it another 20 feet. Asking another worker, I again made it…another 20 feet. Nobody else to ask, I went back to the last person. This method can be slow but it keeps you from looking too much like one of those carnival games in which a duck goes back and forth as it gets shot. Not wanting to see me again, she walked me not just to my bus, but to the front of the line and told the driver where I needed to go. How nice…special treatment for being handicapped in foreign languages and sense of direction.

I am staying at the Secret Garden in Quito, which is amazing. The view from the terrace is beautiful as it overlooks the entire old town. In this view, an enormous Basilica easily stands out as it catches my attention. Nervous about all the rumors that circulate in the backpackers’ world about Quito’s reputation on how things tend to frequently get stolen…with or without you knowing about it, I was on high alert as I made my way to the object of my desire that rested on a hill nearby. Once I got there, I forgot about what I was suppose to be scared of as I was instantly morphed into a Japanese tourist that could not stop taking photos – even a karaoke machine wouldn’t have stopped me. I climbed several flights of stairs and scaled steep ladders bringing me to the very top. It felt as if I was on some sort of religious jungle gym at Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch.

Seeing that there was an opening in the roof due to the basilica being in need of some overdue roofing repairs, I climbed out and sat on the ledge as batman would over look Gotham city. Sitting there, I realize that I did not have super vision, hearing or special gadgets to assist me in helping anyone or myself for that matter…so I just took in the view and was happy to finally make it to Ecuador.

Chick fight in Otavalo, Ecuador

July 25th, 2009: Walking through the doors, I look down and see a large red carpeted ring and in the depths of my brain I can clearly hear the words of a famous announcer…”a-r-e y-o-u r-e-a-d-y t-o R-u-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-b-l-e?!” I have been waiting to see a chick fight for about…36 years – actually 37 years and about 8 months if you count when I was hanging out in my mother’s womb. Before you gasp I must remind you that the chickens fighting are not the cuddly chickens that can do tricks and play catch. Nor, are they the gazillion pound immobile feeder chickens that the fast food industry has genetically altered – though if these birds did fight…it would be more like a sumo fight. These chickens fighting tonight are lean, mean, pecking machines that are trying to extend their lives before taking a dip in the local deep fryer. So if you think this is cruel and inhuman…it…it is.

Arriving early, I was told by a group of individuals stumbling near the ring that the fights weren’t going to start until another hour. Leaving to get something quick to eat, I rushed back so that I wouldn’t miss the first pulled feather. I was now told…It wasn’t going to start until another two hours. Hmmm…truthfully, I don’t know if anybody knew when the first fight was going to be. About to leave again, I was invited to have a drink with the individuals who were stumbling near the ring. Thinking about what happened in Colombia, I had a feeling that history might be repeating itself. Unfortunately, my only options were: wait in my room and watch some Spanish TV – which is more like porn, go to some internet café and read the status of my friends on Facebook (such as how they just went to the store to buy some cigarettes and they didn’t have Marlboro lights), read someone’s boring ass travel blog or…hang out with the stumbling individuals. It was a tuff decision but I chose to sit down with drunkards.

To assist me in being able to easily turn down the foul alcohol and to help my newly acquired temporary friends to save their breath, I told them that I was taking medication and couldn’t drink. Now, I will not have to drink the backwash of a complete stranger and will be able to make all my inaccurate calculated decisions on my own with a completely functional brain. Also, with two of the guys bandaged up from fighting…I thought my ability to pull someone’s hair, scratch with great precision or to run faster than them might be necessary sometime during the night.

Once the chick fight started, it was not what I imagined. They didn’t have the Rocky theme song playing in the background, no strobe lights, no smoke coming from the cages as the warriors were brought into the ring, no blood spurting into the audience throughout the match, no deaths…not even a lousy ring girl walking around in a bikini with some unimportant number above her head - nothing, nada, zilch! I must say though…it was exciting when the chickens were set free into the ring with a metal spike attached to their freshly shaven legs as the feathers on their neck would stick up, running at each other bumping breasts in the middle of the ring. The fights lasted anywhere from a few seconds to several minutes, winning when they injured the other to the point it can’t get up or until the time runs out. Just like a chic fight…there was great potential that the fighters might leave the ring with some bald spots, as they ripped each other’s feathers out with their beaks.

Not betting any money, I just sat and watched a few fights before heading back to my place. My friends told me it wasn’t safe and for me to get a cab, even though I was only a few blocks away - this is the reason I didn’t drink. Walking out the front door there was not a cab in sight…just an extremely dark, quiet, dirty street. In my mind, the street transformed itself into a running track. Ready to show my speed…I quickly walked back to my hostel and safely made it to the front door. Standing there for about 15 minutes, I was abusing the buzzer and banging on the door, trying to wake up the people inside to let me in. Fortunate for me…there were no thieves, because if so I would have definitely woken them all up.

Going to bed tonight, I have a new respect for chickens. If someone ever calls me a chicken…I will have to thank them – that is…as long as they don’t call me a feeder chicken.

Another day at Purace National “Water” Park

July 19th, 2009: This morning…the rain clouds once again welcomed us to Purace National “Water” Park. Martha and I headed back to Purace, starting our day by hiking to the condor viewing point where the lazy beast is fed since some of his other mates died from starvation. While crossing a mine field strategically laid by the rebel cows that dotted the landscape, I inadvertently stepped on an explosive…covering the sides of my shoe. Fortunately my shoes are not just waterproof but poo poo proof too.

Since the condor didn’t want to take in the prime views on this rainy day, I decided to climb up to his spot to enjoy a…birds eye view. Making it only 2 feet from the top, seeing the condors very own excrements on the rock, I lost my footing…slipping - finger tips becoming ridged, I tried “the cat” pose but I remembered that I have no claws. Catching a hole in the rock, I stopped myself from an extremely unpleasant landing.

With the rain coming down…horizontally, the next item on our, “to do list” was to hike up the active volcano, Purace, to a point of interest that Martha wanted to show me. Today, I was not extremely motivated to hike up or to anything…this is including the coffee shop at the entrance into the park before venturing off to the vertical hike of no interest. Hoping Martha would be like most of my other woman friends, I was thinking the weather or high altitude was going to break her down telling me that she is ready to go home before we even start. I was…wrong. I should have been wiser with my educated guess that a professor in civil engineering, specializing in…water, would fold because of bad weather.

When leaving the coffee shop, some climbers that were denied by Purace looked like a bunch of monkeys, huddled at the fire in the ranger station trying to bring life back to their extremities. Looking at my fingers, still swollen like bloated waterlogged earthworms from the day before, I slowly put down my head…following Martha up the hill, not wanting to tell her I didn’t want to go.

Each 10 steps up, I gasped for air…because of…the… altitude- not fitness level. Each 5 steps, Martha gasped for air - I had the advantage, meaning I would only have to work half as hard as her. Still not giving up on her potentially wanting to turn back, I wasted my breath pumping her mind full of information about the affects of altitude on the human body…forgetting she is at times like a senior citizen – or international traveler…saying yes when she has not a clue what I am saying.

The rain continued to flow, creating a river of water that followed the trail down the hill trying to make it to a more constant water source. With little success, the water either made pleasant mini-waterfalls or beautiful deep dark muddy trails.

Hiking up Purace I noted the locals had some creative means to protect themselves from the elements. I saw plenty of guerrilla boots, one piece painting suits, unisex garbage bag skirts, green industrial strength rubber gloves and the more fashionable food handling gloves. Some of these outfits today have seen more quality outdoor time than the expedition quality outdoor gear of others back at home…only enduring the elements when heading out of the cubical cell for a smoke break or to their car.

Due to time limitations we were only able to do a three hour hike up Purace, unfortunately not making it to our destination – Martha’s destination. Everyone I saw coming down didn’t make it to the top so I was obviously happy that time constraints saved my body from burning more calories than absolutely necessary. With my garbage bags over my socks failing me and my fingers again not wanting to function…this was a good ending point.

Waiting for a bus to take us back to civilization, we were invited into a local woman’s house to warm up next to her wood burning stove. I stood there in the dark blackened kitchen with my hands over the fire as it kindly brought feeling back to my 10 little friends. Watching the woman’s children playing marbles on the cracked cement floor…I built up enough courage to challenging one of the kids to a game, knowing he was the Tiger Woods of marbles. Hearing the bus tearing around the corner, our game was cut extremely short, since we didn’t even start. Sprinting out of the house we were able to catch the attention of the driver without me having to sacrifice Martha by pushing her in front of the bus, to create an effective but one time use speed bump. Unable to sit under the tent like tarp on top of the roof with the others, we slid into a row on the side of the bus feeling as if I was on a train circling a zoo. We had seven people on the bench in my row of this massive bus that engulfed the dirt road as a Humvee would fill a suburban street. Every inch of the bus was maximized…with the back half of the bus filled with individuals’ cardboard luggage, potato sacks and livestock.

As we moved onward to Popayan, I looked around realizing that I did not blend into the crowd very well as it seemed that I was the only one who was excited to be on this local bus. The people on the bus looked like liked they were “pigs in a blanket” with the blanket wrapped around them having just a nose or eyes peering from the opening… as I sat with my head sticking out my door like a dog, letting the cold wind dodge my face.

A man, shuffling along a 6 inch sideboard that went along the outside of the bus, was hanging from bar to bar… collecting the fare as the bus was quickly moving along the poorly maintained gravel road. It was amazing…a real life Colombian stuntman. What an amazing job…when the weather is nice. I am curious if this was the company policy for collecting fares?

We made it back to Popayan just in time to head to a local pizza place before they closed. I was thinking about pizza for two whole days – actually 41 hours, 11 minutes and 24 seconds. What is it about food when traveling? It seems to be a top item of interest for me in situations such as these. Here we sat right next to the oven in front of the pizza place absorbing and storing the needed heat. Recapping our weekend into the wild…I think the trip to Purace National Park has been the best part of my trip up to this point - it could not have been any better. The weather, the mishaps…it was the makings of a perfect weekend.

Into the Wild

July 18th, 2009: Waking up at 3:12am, with a puddle of saliva on the pillow next to the corner of my mouth and a hot water bottle that has chilled onto my back, I slowly rolled out of bed. Taking a 2 hour bus ride up into the Purace National Park, my friend Martha and I are on a mission…to be frugal and see the park without paying for an overpriced Jeep tour.

Down a wet desolate muddy road, we departed the local bus at the ranger station in Purace National Park, rushing inside to get out of the inverted lake of water that was being poured on us from above. Putting on my hat, water resistant gloves, raincoat, pair of rain pants and my waterproof shoes…I was ready to enjoy the elements from the safety of my own clothes. After building some inner strength, enjoying a warm beverage in a roadside shack, we left the building that provided us a temporary refuge to begin our journey down the trail into the wild.

As the hiking trail bent around the corner I was able to get my first glimpse of the thermals…I had to take a moment to absorb what I was looking at. The colors were so vivid and the smell of sulfur was so strong, I had difficulties focusing, becoming dizzy from my overloaded senses. The gray wet skies pleasantly contrasted the bright shades of green that lined the banks of the crystal clear bubbling water with bleach white sediment that peacefully rested at the bottom. The lack of signs labeling every thermal and the absence of warning signs at every hazardous location was refreshing that the legal system has not yet destroyed this country.

Walking back to the road we were able to jump into the back of a small off-road vehicle and headed to our next stop a few kilometers down, stopping at the San Nicolas waterfalls. The muddy trails were a huge obstacle for those - myself - who didn’t have waterproof boots, just waterproof shoes…almost effective as waterproof sandals. Not that I didn’t want to get muddy…I just didn’t want to lose a shoe or be soaked so early into the trip in this defrosting freezer like weather. I tip toed along the side of the trial as would an unskilled ballerina minus the artificial bulge and white tights so that I can submerge myself into deeper pockets of mud without it seeping in from the top of my shoes. When possible, I would swing from the base of the trees, vines, fragile plant life and bushes to avoid the pockets of knee deep mud that would clearly make my waterproof shoes ineffective.

Martha, wearing “guerrilla boots” which I am told that is the current fashion for all of the guerrillas’ fighting the Colombian government, has the advantage of being able to walk in mud at knee level. The boots resembled gardening boots without the overpriced Smith and Hawkin label. Not being able to always follow her path, I had to sometimes locate my own route.
Seeing a small piece of wood in the middle of the trail I jumped and safely landed on in the center. With the mud feeling firm I saw a branch peacefully resting on the trail and fortunately within my reach. Jumping off the wooden platform, I landed with great accuracy onto the branch as would a squirrel jumping from a tree. Unfortunately for me, landing on it perfectly didn’t do me any good…it was a trap strategically placed by Mother Nature. My foot was immediately consumed by the mud – running on the top of the mud as Jesus did…in…Rome, I made it to the shore with little damage and my shoe in tacked. The mud only briefly making it just past the rim of my waterproof shoe…I could not complain on the lack of severity of my mistake in judgment.

Hearing the waterfall in the distance, getting closer and closer as we were trudging through the mud, I was getting excited to see this water show that was calling me. Reaching the top of the trail I could see the mist going horizontally into the jungle, violently being carried by the wind. Here was my first view of the mighty San Nicolas. The water barreled off the top as I looked up seeing the beauty of water being rerouted by the rocks during its decent. Trying to take photos without getting my camera completely wet, it was impossible – even when holding Martha’s poncho over my head for protection. I continued taking photos, figuring the risk of breaking my camera was not as great as the risk of forgetting this moment.

Leaving the waterfall, we caught a ride to the Lagoon by the means of standing on back of a Jeep’s narrow back bumper. The bumper holding less than half of my feet and my hands supporting an awkward grip on the roof rack, I was of coarse in some sick way…happy. As time passed, I looked over at my friend…slowly seeing her fake smile going limp. With her hands looking uncomfortably contorted on the bar, she quietly tells me that she was getting tired and didn’t know if she could hold on any longer. Advising Martha to adjust her grip, we continued down the road as the rain pelted us from above. Not looking like she was having much fun, I asked her if I should tell the driver to stop. With a dazed look, she says she is okay - clearly going to hell for such a blatant lie. I was not sure if she was just cold or at the point of unintentionally letting go so as a precautionary measure, I swung my leg around placing one leg between her legs and grasped the bar outside her grip with my arms under hers - confidently telling her that I would not let her fall – thinking, I probably will and that I too will be joining her in hell.

After a long bumpy ride to the trailhead at the Lagoon, we made it without any injuries… just a lower core body temperature than we are comfortably use to. Walking down the trail, it quickly ended. Breaking off into several different paths, they all looked muddy, wet and not extremely inviting. Wanting to make it to the lagoon, we left the trail jumping from one grassy island to another, as if we were playing doubles in a life size game of Frogger with only one life left. The closer we came to the lagoon, the firmer the ground felt with the mud and water slowly disappearing. We were walking on what seemed to be an enormously beautiful sponge that held so many different colors as they weaved between each other holding us up from the elements below us.

Done with exploring for the day and not wanting to seem like a quitter, I informed Martha we might be going too far out…reminding her we needed to get back to the road before dark. She wanted to make it to the edge of the water more than myself. We continued to move on, until…Mother Nature assisted me in my desires.

“Help me!” Martha yelled as I snapped my head around, seeing her on the ground. After several false cries for help with minor sinking’s, I casually laughed as her poncho covered the reason for her request. I slowly began to make my way over toward her. Her poncho moved during her struggle on the ground, exposing her leg. I then realized that her entire leg was missing as if it was taking off by a piranha with a glandular disorder - she broke through the sponge! Remembering how she told me she can’t swim…I had to quickly react. Treating the moss as a sheet of ice, I decided to lie on my stomach. Making it to Martha, she laid on the edge panicking, as she thought she was going to be completely consumed. Reaching into the opening of the moss, as a doctor would reach into the abyss to grab a breached child, I grabbed her leg and attempted to pull her out - my grip slipped. Reaching in again, it too slipped. My fingers were swollen like bloated waterlogged earthworms from the cold wet weather…not properly functioning and failing to listen to my commands. Reaching in for the third time…I managed to get her leg out, pulling it up for its first breath. With Martha’s boot dangling on the end of her foot, I managed to get it on…successfully performing my first sponge rescue.

Making it out of the marsh with many carefully planned steps and a much better route than the one that brought us out there, we needed to get back to the town center to find out if we could get a place to stay for the night. Walking along the road, we tried to hitch a ride without the signature “thumb sticking out on the side of the road” method – since my hands were occupied, making fists under my wet gloves, looking like I had no fingers… trying to keep my hands warm. We were painted with mud that the rain could not wash off, no matter what the angle or speed, preventing us from getting a ride in the nicer vehicles that passed us along the road. Walking and walking and walking, we became more and more silent the colder we became. I began hoping the cars that passed us who didn’t give us a ride…would break down or fly off the road - none of my hopes came true.

A small pickup truck in the distance was coming down the muddy road. Waving it down, the truck stopped. Going to the window, a woman gave me the sign that is was okay to jump in the back…in the back of the narrow pickup that was fully loaded with flattened cardboard boxes, covered with a thick plastic tarp. This load exceeded the height of the cab and clearly exceeded the weight capacity of this circus sized pickup truck. Not sure how we were going to get on, I ended up making a step with my hands for Martha as she squirmed like a slug to the top. Sliding along the plastic she laid on her stomach holding onto the plastic covered wooden 2x4 that went horizontally along the back of the cab. Using the wheel well, I was able to get a few toes on the tire as I boosted myself up, wiggling to the top. With my right hand, as I laid on my back…I was able to grab with my highly nonfunctional finger tips, a vertical 2x4 that was tightly covered in plastic.

Whatever the rush was, the pickup took off down the winding muddy road riddled with water filled creators and ponds. Still raining, we were on the first known mobile slip in slide – it was not yellow, nor would Mattel ever endorse such a liability. The vehicle would quickly steer right and left avoiding the obstacles with no railings to prevent us from slipping off. Making it more of a challenge, I could not rest my head on the roof due to it making a banging noise as it would strike the roof each bump, confusing the driver thinking we wanted to stop. After a about a 20 minute ride we made it to a bus stop…transferring to the next town to find a room for rent.

Finding a place to stay, I laid in a rented bed at someone’s house above a restaurant… with a smile fixed to my face…thinking that having a car and good weather would have definitely ruined, this perfect day.

Round 2 with Dr. Feel Good

July 10th, 2009: Once again I am laying on the table, knowing what was is about to happen before Dr. Feel Good even had a chance legally feel me up…I mean…down. The antibiotics did nothing but reduce my bank account and give me more time to appreciate how great it feels when I am healthy. Now “it,” my abscess, is well into the third trimester, resembling a pink ping pong ball that can’t be played with. If not resolved quickly, this medical issue has the potential to give me the unthinkable…anal stretch marks.

Bringing a different friend this time to translate…I had him pinky swear that he was not going to step from behind the curtain even if the doctor insisted on showing him what was going on. The doctor positioning herself in my back blast area with some sharp instrument – I don’t think it was the hanger I previously imagined, but perhaps a sterile machete or butcher knife…winding up, she impales me – mentally I asked her if that was the best she could do – somehow, she heard me and did it again. Hearing a popping noise, the abortion was officially on its way as “it” leaked on the white linen sheet below me.

I held onto the table as if it was a body board and began to perform some air kicks on the table as I lifted my legs up and down rocking my hips left to right as she squeezed the tender area to fully extract the unwanted debris. My sweat glands were turned on high, as sweat dumped down my face pooling on the vinyl table as I internally scream for help, as verbal cues of pain involuntary leaked into the outer world. Looking over, I can see that the curtain separating the room was doing an exquisite job providing privacy as I see a woman sitting in the corner of the other exam room, staring at me as she takes in oxygen.
Time seemed to once again slow down when all I wanted was it to forget about me.

When the doctor was finished with the procedure, some gauze was placed between my hairy checks and held by some industrial strength medical tape to easily delay me from wanting to prematurely take it off. Now where are the male menstrual pads when you need them? Leaving the doctor’s office, I was gratefully walking normal again…no longer looking as if I was about to transport an enormous amount of products across the border.

Thankfully, I was convinced to go to the doctor office and to not do this myself. It didn’t break my savings account since the first appointment cost me $15.00 and the second one cost me a whopping $5.00 for the procedure. Why can’t it be this cheap in the U.S. to visit a doctor…or even a vet?

Time to visit Dr. Feel Good…to take care of “it”

July 8th, 2009: Having a medical issue, I thought it would be easy and economical to give myself the medical attention that was required in the comforts of my own room at the hostel. All I needed was a hanger, couple of pints of some cheap liquor and some solid searches on the internet. Asking Dr. Google, I was given 23,700,000 results. It was a bit concerning that some of the top results were about botched self surgeries. Not feeling it is as easy as Hollywood makes it out to be…I called my nurse back at home and was quickly convinced that I should have “it”…looked at.

Now that I was going to make a pleasant visit to Dr. Feel Good and due to the complexity of my issue, I needed a translator…not a Spanish phrase book. So I invited my new friend Martha, who is from Columbia, for an exciting afternoon at the local doctor’s office, just a short painful walk away from my hostel.

Checking in at the reception desk, I was awkwardly not handed a clip board to involuntary spill my entire medical history. The only thing the nurse asked me for was my name, phone number, address, ID number, signature and how big “it” is…for billing purposes. She didn’t even ask me to place a number on my level of pain. This medical facility must be rebelling against the system because it seems that almost everyone wants you to rate things these days on some numerical scale.

Asking Martha to stay in the waiting area due to the location of “it,” I followed the nurse into the exam room. The nurse said something as she walked around the exam table - not understanding, I gave her my signature “lost look.” Undressing me with her eyes, I hesitantly looked at the curtain hanging from the ceiling which was intended to give a patient privacy but didn’t have enough material to even cover a bath tub of a Barbie playhouse.

Sitting bottomless on the white cloth sheet that partially covered the exam table, hoping I did a thorough job in the shower, I was signaled to roll over by the turning of the nurse’s index finger. Feeling like a dog with his tail between his legs, I obediently obeyed as I spun around lying on my stomach. Nervous, my sweaty forehead bonded me to the exposed vinyl table top as a fly trapped to a bug strip.

During my examination, the doctor painfully poked around getting a better idea on what needed to be done. Legs open, I laid there clinching onto the corners of the table…almost shattering my bones with the massive pressure I was placing on them. My feet hung over the end, as I pressed the tops into the table, trying to prevent myself from mule kicking the doctor as she was examining, “it.” I quickly wore myself out, but continued to hold on to the table, making music with my muffled moans as she pokes around, debating on if it is too early to abort the $0.25 gum ball sized infection.

Focusing on the flaking paint on the wall, I momentarily left my body. I faintly heard the doctor saying something in Spanish and I assumed it was directed toward the nurse because she knew I didn’t speak her language. Then I heard a voice, a familiar voice that slowly brought me back out of my deep state of separation. Turning around, a blurred figure came into focus. It was Martha with her face about 1.5 feet away from “it” as the doctor was making my checks do the splits so my friend could get a better view. I inaudibly said, “Martha?” shaking my head as I turned back around, placing my face on the table, hoping a hole would appear so that I could stick my head inside.

Sitting up, the doctor took my blood pressure and checked my heart rate…laughing at the readings. Obviously it was elevated since I was just stuck by the embarrassment bus as Martha was still in the exam room, smiling at my brown…eyes. Having to come back in two days, I am given a prescription for a heavy dose of antibiotics to hopefully keep the doctor from having to manually abort “it” - which I am guessing that “it,” is an abscess since my translator was unable to explain this part to me.

Going to the pharmacy, I was issued my antibiotics with no packaging or 100 page book that explains the directions, side effects and warnings – not that I ever read them anyhow. I learned from early on in this trip that it is good to have at least the packaging, as I stared at the capsules locked in standard over the counter plastic covering with foil backing…hoping that I was giving an antibiotic and not Benadryl. Leaving, I painfully wobbled back to my hostel thinking that I have two days to get better, not to mention another translator.

Thief in the hostel caught

June 27th, 2009: I caught an American backpacker with my groceries unknotted and wide open with the eggs out as he was helping himself to my margarine. Giving him the benefit that all he was doing was heating some margarine in a frying pan…I placed my items in the bag, knotted it back up, not saying anything about the food and asked him how his day was going, being as sociable as I normally am to him. I could tell he felt awkward, with no need to say anything about my groceries.

Not able to put my groceries in my room, I was thinking how I could prevent the further pilfering of my goods. Since my head hair is not long enough to sabotage my own margarine or other food products, this means I would have to farm from a less…desirable location. Thinking that this might give them an idea to put more additives in my products, I will take the easy route and think of it as a charity donation for the needy – not to mention being much more sanitary.

Interrogated at Timbio

June 24th, 2009: Waking up, I felt as if it was my first day of school as I was about to be a guest speaker for a rural high school’s English classes. I pulled out my best semi-clean clothes that passed the sniff test and took my second shower in the past 5 hours - it’s not that I had an accident in bed last night, got lucky with the neighborhood bicycle or because I needed to wake up - it was due to a much less exciting reason…my skin contained the odor of rotten eggs from the sulfur pools I marinated myself in the day before. I scrubbed and scrubbed, successfully removing several ounces of healthy skin, but the remnants of the odor rested much deeper than what soap could remove. To partially resolve this slight dilemma, I was forced to switch my short sleeved shirt to a long sleeve shirt…minimizing my exposed skin, hoping I will not leave the school today with the nickname, “Stinky Americano.”

Meeting up with Estella, the teacher that invited me, we carpooled with some other teachers taking us 20 minutes outside Popayan to the small town, Timbio. When entering the town, it seemed as if it was run by students as they filled the streets swarming the dealers outside the school door who specialized in sweets. Pulling into the grassy field along the school, my heart began to race. As we exited the car the students piled up at the huge row of windows that stretched across the two story building as they stared down at me.

Making it inside the courtyard, I found it somewhat difficult to blend into the crowd. Following Estella into the teacher lounge…the first one I have ever been to, I felt as if I was just granted access to the infamous Area 51. When growing up, I would never, ever, ever, ever think about going into, let alone looking directly inside the inner sanctum. Miniature desks lined the room as the teachers prepared for the upcoming classes. “Where are the couches, flat screen T.V.’s and attractive teachers?” I thought. The teacher lounges in the U.S. must be different…they just have to be. Am I suffering from an overly stimulated imagination or is this just the reality that it is sometimes better to just keep dreaming?

Estella and I entered our first class and she kindly introduced me as Anthony from the United States. Standing there…the class went silent, with no podium to hide behind to save me. The first three noises that exited my mouth was, “umm….ahhh….umm.” Five or six words of rust slowly fell out of my mouth as my jaw quickly broke free. Going to about 5 classes, I was asked a multitude of questions: How do I like their town Timbio, would I like to live here, is Colombia what I expected, do I like their president, do I like Mr. Obama, do I like Colombian women, what type of alcohol do I like to drink, do I like football (soccer), what is my favorite football team, do I salsa, do I have a girlfriend, do I have kids, and how old I am – gasping when they found out I am as old as their parents…telling me I look 24 or 25 years old – what good students. Am I at that point in my life it feels that good when they are that far off? Mental note: when guessing someone’s age…guess ridiculously low. There were some good questions, but the hardest and perhaps the best one was, “how do you feel about love.” This one floored me…not able to locate the hall pass, I had to do an extended pause, until I was…saved by bell.

The Colombians are obsessed with soccer. This was obvious when I was on the balcony watching the student/teacher soccer game on the basketball court with the other teachers. Here I listened to the smart nonparticipating teachers laughing as their colleagues were massacred, tasting pavement throughout most of the game losing 1-6 to the 9th graders.

After a day of representing the American people, I was exhausted. How do politicians do it? When leaving school, the elementary school children were flowing into the building for the afternoon session. The children surrounded me, wanting to see the White American Big-Foot up close. Looking up, trying not to break their necks, I heard “Hello” coming from the groups as they giggled grabbing my pant legs, as they followed me. I really enjoyed being at the school today and it just strengthens the thought of me needing to do something more internally rewarding with my life whether it is my career or what I do with my time after work. Today was simply…wonderful.

Projecting the path of a tumbling boulder

June 16th, 2009: Riding the off-road capable bus back from Tierradentro to Popayan, I was soaking in the beautiful scenery through my filthy window. The muddy roads the bus would struggle through were retched, barely doing their job as there were several spots the road could no longer hold on, breaking away into the water that flowed hundreds of feet below, thus reducing the width so that even a Suburban would struggle going past.

Looking up at a hill where a land slide occurred a few days prior, I saw something moving. I thought it was perhaps a goat or a cow enjoying the new terrain. Looking closer I noticed it was a rock…not a rock, but a large boulder about the size of the world’s largest man in the fetal position, slowly tumbling down the hill. My mind quickly went to work and my calculations projected that it was going to hit us - but thankfully not affecting me…just the front left hand side of the bus. Not saying anything, I just watched it roll in slow motion as we moved closer to its path of decent hoping the driver would notice what was taking place. I kept on glancing at the bus driver through the rear view mirror, waiting for some evasive action but nothing was being done…not even a slight tap on the brake or a massive stomp on the gas pedal. As we came closer, somehow the boulder stopped, getting hung up on a small flat ledge of the hill.

Disappointed that I was not able to type more on this event…I leaned my head back on my jacket that rested against the window and internally pouted as I continued to enjoy the views back to Popayan.

Oh where oh where can the trail be?

June 15th, 2009: Going straight up this hill, that by definition could potentially be considered a cliff – I extended my leg straight ahead of me, one after another, passing the scattered coffee plants that clung to side of the trail that barely existed. Half dead, walking as if I was a zombie, thinking on why am I trying to do all these fuuuuu – dang tombs in one day. My last stretch of tombs is El Aguacate, which I was not even really interested in seeing. Reaching a rundown wooden shack along in the hills, thinking that this is where a guy suppose to run out of the door swinging a chainsaw, making sausage out of me to sell to the secret society that lived in the hills. But unfortunately for me, this was not Hollywood and not the country where everyone owns cars let alone a chainsaw.

Making a lot of noise so I would not startle anyone inside, I called out to get the attention of somebody that might help me get back onto the right path to the tombs. The linen sheet that hung in the door frame moved and out came a thin, frail, half blind woman – having no idea how she was able to get up here or how long it has been since she been down. Asking her where El Aguacate was, she turned and pointed up and continued to go about her way. Thinking that perhaps I should just make it back down to the trail which I knew would take me back to my hotel…I was drawn to go to the tombs. Not sure what was drawing me because my body and brain did not want to go anywhere else. Looking for my ruby red…hiking shoes, wanting to slip them on and click my heels and say, “There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!” until I realized…why in the hell would I ever own a red pair of shoes!

I continued my journey up the hill internally crying. Up and up and up and up I went. After each burst of energy, which I thought would bring me to the top…another hill was waiting for me. Knowing now that I was not on the right trail, I was hoping at one point I would intersect the proper tourist trail with wonderfully placed signs confirming to me that I am struggling for a reason, and will not have to backtrack later, meaning all the ground I covered was wasted energy.

Dragging my body onto someone else’s property that was clinging to the hillside, I met a pet…a scraggly guard dog, standing in front of the house. Hoping for a leash that did not exist, I called for the owners. Barking crazily as a dog infected with rabies, I knew there was a reason I should have watched more TV, specifically…the Dog Whisper. “What would he do?” I thought. I continued to call for someone hoping they would come out - there was no response. Hesitant to pass the dog, I wanted to avoid a full confrontation and headed back down the trail in the other direction. Stopping, I had a feeling that I needed to go past the dog. Pulling out my knife, I hid it my hand just in case someone did come out of the house and headed back to say hello to my little friend – happily thinking that I had my rabies shot before leaving the U.S. if something did manage to happen.

Not looking at the dog I tried to follow the trail right next to the house. Understanding that I shouldn’t be there, I respected the dog’s job as that he doing what he suppose to do. The dog did a fine job making noise…but this time, he dashed forward. My knife was drawn, quickly I tried to cut up the hill past the house. He continued toward me, not knowing the proper thing to do I turned toward the ragged beast and accepted his challenge, running at him making a loud noise - he took off backwards barking. I called his bluff as sweat dripped down my face, adding to my drenched shirt of stench. I hurried past him and choose the path that look most like a trail.

Still lost, I went further up, swaying as I attempted to walk straight, my body hurting…I exited the real world and went into my own. Somehow I made it higher up the staggering steep hill, eventually making it to a wired fence. Trying to bend down to go underneath the obstacle, pain shot through my back. Again the thought about turning around clouded my mind but still I continued forward. Running into another house I startled a girl standing outside the door. Asking where the El Aguacate tombs were…she pointed…up. Asking her again hoping she was going to change her mind...she again, pointed…up.

Finally I made it to the top of the ridgeline. I wanted to pull out an American flag sticking it into the soil as a mountaineer would do when reaching some famous peak and name it after me. But seeing the well traveled trail, I knew I was not the first person to concur the hill. Making it to the tombs, my body was hurting so badly, I decided not to climb down into the run down tombs, looking at them from above quickly passing them. Making it past about 9 tombs, I stopped. Turning around, not my own doing, I went back to see the tombs I worked so hard to see. I climbed into the first tomb…then the second one…the third one…the fourth one…the fifth one…and said f@#k the rest. I couldn’t do it. Heading along the ridge I had to drop back down into the valley. Two more hours of stopping every few minutes of painfully steep steps down the mountain, hoping that somewhere along the trail they thought about using switchbacks to help make my trip down a little easier - I wanted it all to end. I eventually made it back to the village and thought, “Is this what it feels like to be old…or…is this what it feels like to be stupid?”

Chicken fighting Mr.Tyson…the biting horse

June 13th, 2009: Yesterday, I had to make a tuff decision…burn thousands upon thousands of calories walking to the multitude of Archeological sites that dotted the San Agustin area or take a horse and burn a lot less. Not liking to be wasteful, I chose option #2…take a horse. This was also a good opportunity to improve my riding skills and get a more relaxed look instead of the, “just got caught masturbating in the hostel look.”

Today I was looking forward to the horseback ride more than the sites, which have failed miserably to capture my attention the past few days. Not that I didn’t appreciate what I saw, perhaps I just saw too many pre-Colombian megalithic sculptures (a.k.a. standing stones) numbing the pleasure. Sitting patiently at the hostel, our horses showed up over an hour late. My guide’s tardiness didn’t bother me but it really disturbed the French guy from my hostel, Pierre, who was ranting about how the people we were waiting for must be English speaking people – claiming only English speaking people would make others wait, so that they could eat breakfast.

The horses here seem a bit taller than those in Salento, but still vertically challenged – good for the Colombians and good for me. Mounting our horses, we rode down the hill to pick up the others…hoping Pierre was wrong. As we pulled up, I was relieved about his flawed international generalizations. They were fortunately not English speaking travelers and unfortunately, not French. This made me wonder…is he still upset about how we disgraced the, “French Fries” by calling them “Freedom Fries” right after our invasion of Iraq, or is it something much deeper?

My horse was an older horse that knew the coarse well, but I was still able to override his routine. Not wanting to do too many altercations in case he would get angry, I would let him pretty much do what he wanted…running and chicken fighting was just a few of them.

Something changed inside my brain today. I really enjoyed the speed the horse produced - without having to fill in the event with a false sense of it being fun, to overcome my fear. I seemed to figure out that you can’t just sit in the saddle as if it was a modified La-Z-Boy when running. I needed to use my undefined thigh muscles as if I was an Ultimate Fighter in a UFC match clinching my opponent hoping for the tap out.

My smile lines became deeper when we were dashing up and down the mud slide like trails as the rain gushed out of the clouds as if it was holding it all night, waiting till the morning so everyone could see. The other horses would slowly inch their way down the slippery trials when mine would move at a steady pace and when possible…run. Even with all of his life experience my horse would slip from time to time, stumbling along the way, but somehow was always able to save us from a fall. With more confidence then ever before, my right hand still maintained the lock on the horn of the saddle – so much, I now have one callused hand. This is not good…especially being a solo backpacker. Maybe next time I will switch off using my left hand, so no assumptions can be made…on why one had is softer than the other.

Is there always a rotten piece of flesh in every group of horses? Today, it was Mr. Tyson (name was changed to protect his identity) and thankfully he wasn’t my horse. He would not just stop at trying to bite his own rider’s legs, but he would also lash out at the others who would get too close, biting the French guy. The Italian woman on him would let him go about his disobedient rampage with no ramifications. As soon as my horse would decide to pass, I would give him a rib massage with my heels trying to make him go faster for some extra assurance that we are going to clear them without any altercations.

At times, we were either blocked during the pass by Mr. Tyson or we would be forced to engage in a full on chicken fight. Rusty on chicken fighting warfare, since I haven’t performed this since I was a kid in my neighbors pool, I had to quickly access my memory banks…pulling up any proven strategies to avoid a potentially painful loss. As Tyson would lean into me, he displayed his cockiness by smiling, giving me a full dental view of his perfectly aligned teeth prior to striking. Pulling my leg out of my stirrup to avoid being bitten, I would counterstrike leaning down and hitting his nose with an open hand, too kicking him…yelling my signature, “NO!” I am sure PETA would not have condoned this act of violence toward an animal. Perhaps just a simple time-out was in order, but I did not give consent for a temporary tattoo on my leg. Hindsight…I think I can now relate to my last guide wanting to box my horse, Billy Bad Ass when I was in Salento.

How did I end up here?

June 12th, 2009: Passing in front of a mangy bar in the small town of San Agustin, I noted a massive gathering of drunken locals who were waving me in for a drink. Thinking that I have been interacting with the drunken travelers a lot more than the drunken locals, this would be a good opportunity for me to if anything, practice some Spanish. With nothing planned for the evening anyhow, I went in with the intent to stay for one drink – just one.

Sitting down at the table, I was able to get a better look at the individuals…feeling as if I just placed myself in the center of a bunch of small time petty criminals – quickly moving my internal readiness to DEFCON 3. I was immediately given a small plastic cup for shots, looking as if it was straight out of a child’s Fisher Price bar set. It was promptly filled by someone who might have forgotten his glasses this morning, as it overflowed onto the table. Taking the shot and practicing everything I knew in Spanish, took 15 seconds…total.

The locals were eager to know how my Jeep tour was today and what I thought of the English girl who was in my group. “What?” I asked, even though I clearly heard them - not remembering seeing any of the people I was sitting with at the bar. Asking one of the guy’s on how he knew what I did today…he leaned back against the wall in his chair, with no expression on his face – looking as if he gave himself a botched Botox job in his leathery skin. Eventually after great thought…he told me, “It is a small town.” So when they asked me where I was staying and being that I didn’t want them to know, it was pointless telling them that I wasn’t sure of the name, since I was quickly helped out by another man, telling me that I am now at the Casa de Felipe – so…why did they ask? After tonight I will have to think about my desire to one day live in a small town, where everyone knows more…than just your name.

One shot after the other, the vile liquid kept being forced down my throat causing me to create a wide variety of unusual faces as it went down. Even worse, I somehow acquired a magical cup that would refill itself as soon as I would finish a shot. As the night went on, the table was no longer functional for anything but a bottle stand, as it was littered with empty vessels. At one point, I had to stop drinking so that I could have what was consumed catch up with me…needing to figure out how altered my decision making process was. Soon, our table harbored 6 1/2 intoxicated individuals and was slowly growing. Figuring that being 1/2 intoxicated was enough for me, I decided that I needed to start working on an exit strategy to go home.

With the locals wanting to do some business, starting with Leatherface, he told me he can get me stuff…rubbing his nose. After giving him an awkward look, he did it again…rubbing his nose and said, “If I don’t like….I’m sorry, no problem.” I was confused with his words but not his actions, turning down the local special. Soon after a Frankensteinish looking man with a metal plate in his head, which was installed by a blacksmith, asked me a leading question on what I thought about Colombian women. I told him that I thought they have wonderful…personalities. Then he asked me what he really wanted to know, ”Do you want a Colombian woman?” as he pulled out his large black book – not knowing how he could fit something as large as the yellow pages in his pocket. Declining, Leatherface sharply asked me, “You not police, are you?”

Uncomfortably still around, I thought, “How did I end up here?” I needed to leave…a long time ago. Getting on my jacket, Frankenstein asked me if I could help him out with his bill. That is a strange request, but then it clicked…I am the walking, talking, human ATM machine. Figuring that I bought more than I drank, I didn’t owe anyone anything. Not helping him out, I asked, “Why don’t you ask your friends?” Feeling a bit hurt, I was wondering if this is the reason they wanted me to join them in the first place. Being a good salesman/conman, he was persistent and kept asking me for money…starting high and was slowly working his way down. With no reason to negotiate, I practiced being a politician and issued a false apology, lied to him by saying I didn’t have enough money to help and finished it off by telling everyone that it was nice meeting them. Getting up, I was able to make it out of the bar as they tried to get me to sit back down.

I quickly headed back to the hostel. Noticing that someone seemed to be on the same path home as myself as soon as I left the bar, I took off running hearing Jenny yelling, “Run Forrest, Run!” as I went through the town, past the abandon buildings and up the dark blackened hills. Remembering how much I hated running, I was gasping for air as I dropped down into a chair after arriving at the hostel. Blood rushing through my fatty veins, I have no desire to run up a hill ever again…but knowing that this will not be the last hill I run up or the last person I run away from.