April 3rd, 2011: Just made it back to the Detroit area after completing a staggering short 1,050 mile (1689.8112 kilometer) road trip originating in Lebanon, Illinois…a city that sits outside St. Louis, Missouri, for those non-geographic international wiz kids. For the past few days my friend Cecile and I successfully traveled through a wide variety of flat chested-like landscapes at an exceptionally slow DUI (Driving under Influence) like-speed with no major incidents besides a GPS that went on strike and a cracked windshield. 
Being professional tourists, my friend and I visited a plethora of fast-food restaurants, visually bug free Super 8 hotels and a went to a string of cheese fed tourist traps - which include famous strangers’ childhood homes such as the writer Mark Twain’s in Hannibal, Missouri and the suicidal Ernest Hemmingway in Chicago, Illinois. There was even a brief stop in Winterset, Iowa to see the childhood home of the extremely bad Stallone-style acting movie star of the past, John Wayne.
I wonder if I will ever do something so amazing that someone will one day create a foundation and successfully be able to charge a ridiculously priced admission to enter my childhood home, freezing the décor in a year that they think is significant - roping off the bedrooms and bathrooms with some nice bright red impassable felt ropes. My friend kindly informed me that the easiest way to achieve this vision of mine was to become a serial killer. Hmmm…I think I would rather do without the Charley Manson status, keeping my forehead tattoo free.
For the past 10 years I wanted to see the covered bridges of Madison County, which is nestled in Iowa that is known as the Corn State. Now that I was only 7 short hours away from this tourist magnet AND I had a co-pilot that did not own a penis, I thought that this was a good time to see these bridges that were made extra popular from the sappy chick flick, “The Bridges of Madison County.” It starred Clint Eastwood who was a traveling Photographer/Writer for National Geographic and Meryl Streep being the farmers cheating wife.
Staying in Chicago for a couple days, Cecile and I had an unrealistic plan set into motion to maximize our time here. One day, it was to have a museum marathon seeing 3 museums in a row. The first museum we entered to achieve this goal was the Chicago Institute of Art, which was so gargantuan, we barely had enough time to complete the complicated rat maze as we feed on the cheese and rat poison of the art industry. I guess when you are paying $18 USD for an admission ticket, you should expect more than toilet paper, soap and a clean bathroom.
While visiting Chicago, we paid homage to Lloyd Wright while exploring his old former house, who was a once living architect a long long time ago whose decaying houses and buildings can still be seen floating around the United States today.
Finally, if you go to Chicago and do not eat a real North American Pizza – specifically, a Chicago-style deep dish pizza…you are probably a cheese hater or a pasty stinky vegan. We, being neither of the two wanted to taste a piece of Chicago prior to our departure back to the Detroit Area. Seeing the arrival of this pizza at our table, I quickly concluded how the United States can so easily create a grotesquely obese person. I myself could see me in real-time: my stomach inflating, man boobs forming and an almost instantaneous bootie produced after the consumption of this mammoth pizza.
Ending the road trip we reached Detroit in the wee hours of the morning after a necessary pit stop to help keep me from getting ticketed for a DWS (Driving while sleeping). Back at my childhood home, we will be staying at the future site of the “Anthony Supertramp Foundation.” Thankfully now, admission is free from 2 am through 3am…on Sunday mornings.
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