38 years…takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!

August 31st, 2010: It’s my Birthday…38 years and growing older by the second. It seems that the older I get the more random the places hair seems to grow - not to forget mentioning that my eyebrows has seemed to get its second wind growing at astronomical rates while my head hair has come to a slow turtle like crawl. Never taking an anatomy class in my life, I just can’t seem to get a grip on what it is doing. My back needs a painful tweezing every few months now with an underlying mental fear that it will be mowable sooner than later, needing to make that awkward request at the barber to take a little off my back when I go in for my next hair cut.

My karma has seemed to come back to me. Yesterday two blokes from England took me out for an early birthday and treated me to my first real beer in 16+ months – wow, it was good!

Today, two women that work at my hostel surprised me and got me a cake and sang me “Happy Birthday” – the cake was much too small for them to come out in a bikini and it was much too cold even if they wanted to. After me making an unmentionable wish I was told to get a photo of me biting the cake – thinking that this is a tradition here in Peru…I leaned into the cake with my teeth sunk into the cake, patiently waiting for the photo…surprising me as she pressed the cake into my bearded face creating my very first bearded cake…she had me.

I wonder on where I will be next year for my birthday? Last year I was in Quito, Ecuador and this year in Cusco, Peru. Hmmm…so many roads to choose from to really know anything - much too many roads. Ahhh….growing older. Whatever happens this upcoming year…it hope it continues to be an adventure each and every single breath – may the waters of adventure never go stagnant!

Back from Amazonia!

August 31st, 2010: I am having one of those moments. I been gone in the Amazon at Manu National Park for the past 9 days and unless I decide to sit down and write you a top selling book on my experiences…you will have to get the minimized 2 or 3 paragraph version.

I went to the jungle and saw a lot of monkeys, birds, fauna and insects that are typical in cartoons and other Hollywood type jungle settings. All gave me satisfaction, even some of the birds – does this mean I am now going to join a birdwatchers club when I get back home? I am not that old, so that is a big “NO.”

One of the greatest moments that will be etched into my brain for years to come was seeing my old High School Mascot in person…a Jaguar. It looks much better in real life than the fool in a furry Jaguar costume supporting an Allen Park Jersey running about the football field or basketball court bouncing around as if they had a constant intervenes feed of caffeine being pumped directly into the heart.

Another memorable occasion was seeing a Spider Monkey hanging directly above me by its tail as the loose leaves would shower me as we had a moment staring at each other. Seeing these and 7 other species of monkeys this past week in their natural environment, witnessing the suicidal jumps from tree to tree to their basic monkeying around…it was difficult to think of them in the small residential cages they typical reside at in the zoo – not saying zoos are bad…just, different. In a way, some people living in concrete cities can be considered voluntary caged animals, but that is just a random comment with not much thought.

I have always known that dreams inside tents can be somewhat questionably strange…but the ones in the jungle in a mosquito net can sure send a partially sane man into insanity in record timing. My dreams and memories are too strange to write about and to add to this…I have no desire to remember what went on in my grey mass residing deep inside my skull - I will leave these dreams up to my poor memory to retain.

Move over Euro Disney…make some space for Peru Disney!

August 17th, 2010: I have heard along the “gringo trail” that Peru is a place that is quite efficient on squeezing ever dollar out of the tourists that come through here. I don’t know if I really believed it…until I reached southern Peru. I am thoroughly confused on what is real or not anymore…feeling as if I stepped into Disney’s new theme park…Peru Disney. Let me make this clear…I like Disney – except for that mouse. It just feels like everyone is in costume screening me from seeing what this region is truly about…being overrun by the hordes of tourists and those who are trying to capitalize off the tourists.

I am now back in Cusco after originally arriving and then quickly leaving the next day, making my way to ancient Inca city named Machu Picchu…via train and bus. As planned, I performed no unnecessary hiking.

The equation for Cusco: Cusco = πr^2, cold nights, 1,000’s of women wanting to give you massages without happy endings and many art dealers roaming the streets selling paintings in convenient mobile carriers. There are also plenty of women and mangy men selling snacks, dolls, hats and anything with the words “Machu Picchu” carved, etched, sewed or drawn on it.

Indigenous women and the modern day hippie seem to fill the sides of the streets and plazas as they are all busily making something. The majority of Indigenous women make these brightly colored straps which actually aren’t that bad since they have a multitude of uses, unlike the common hippy accessories such as bracelets that are sold throughout all of northern South America – I am seriously beginning to think they all took the same class: Introduction to Hippie Bracelets 101.

I thought of one good use for the straps that the indigenous women sold. Perhaps it can be used to choke one of the many restaurant employees that escaped the confines of the eating establishment with the sole purpose to hang out in the street with their overpriced tourist menu trying to get you inside. If they are not selling carrot cake or apple pie with ice cream…they have a slim chance getting me in. It would be nice though, if there was a sticker a restaurant could give you after you eat or get coffee, putting it on your shirt so that other restaurant employees can reduce vital loses of calories by saving their breath and help me save some calories by not having to say, “no gracias” (Translation: no thank you) ever 0.0004 seconds. This place reminds me of blog post about Cartagena in the north coast of Colombia, but instead of being attacked at sea level by these people, I am now being attacked at 3300 meters(10800 feet) in Cusco.

All throughout southern Peru I noticed that a lot of parents here seem to have this bright idea to put their children to work…some jobs seem better than others but none have been as bad as the dried poop patty sellers in India or the road workers in Cambodia. Never the less, they are put to work to earn their keep. Some kids’ jobs are being sent out into the streets dressed in traditional bright colored clothing holding baby sheep as they ask you if you want a photo with them.

The going rate for a photo with someone is S/.1 (Conversion: $0.36 USD). Even though this is the going rate…I saw tourists give these three girls tooth brushes for payment instead of cold hard coins. The kids looked all confused like they never seen a toothbrush before as they analyzed it. One of the girls showed her appreciation and took the tooth brush, understanding the concept and brushed something…it just wasn’t her teeth. She brushed the baby goat she was holding before she put her brand new, now dirty toothbrush into her pocket. The toothbrush idea was a great idea, I thought…but I don’t think it went over very well with the kids. It is sort of like getting healthy stuff for Halloween back home when combing the streets, trick-or-treating - you don’t like it, but the parents do.

Some of the children’s jobs are not as easy as walking around with baby sheep. One morning during my stroll in the small town of Pisac, I saw some boys taking these bulls to some unknown location. I observed that when a bull wants to go somewhere, it will go somewhere no matter how big or small you are…especially when you are 50 pounds (no – I didn’t weigh him). This one little boy was struggling with one of the beasts and kept pulling him trying to guide him to go down a different street. The bull stopped after a brief battle…turning toward us. Moments later after the lost battle, I saw the boy run around the corner dropping the rope.

What I was seeing, reminded me of the scene of the crazy men who run with the bulls in Spain down a narrow street - at times when they are too slow, getting a free flight or get raped by a horn. Standing there, I was so busy recording the event that quickly unfolded before me with my camera, taking photos…I paused when the bull changed his stance looking at me. I was now the only person in the street and I was directly in the bull’s path. My brain did not seem to function at that moment as my eye was glued to my camera worrying more about the photo possibilities. Thankfully…I didn’t interest the bull.

I am pretty sure I have seen all the rocks and mud piles I am “suppose” to see around here the past few days. It was like a painful checklist that I am happy to have completed. Actually not all of them were that painful. My camera and I really enjoyed Machu Picchu and some salt and circular dry terraces.

Others were so ridiculous I too enjoyed them because of the good laugh it gave me.

The past two days I have been trying to get a bit organized as I am will be heading off to the Amazon basin for a 9 day trip. Writing for a travel website can be so tuff at times – laughing. The last time I visited the Amazon, I transported a parasite from the jungle to the big city of Quito - free of charge as it caused me great discomfort until I decided to go the doctors. This time…I will swim with my mouth closed so tightly, nothing will be getting in.

The French Invasion!

August 9th, 2010: Being in Arequipa for over a week, it is time to move on. This city is the second largest city in Peru coming in at about 1,000,000 Peruvians, about 1,500,000 dogs and about 20,000 French tourists which I think is also home to the most spectacular plaza to date (Plaza de Armas).

My activities were quite basic during my visit here ranging from seeing a billion churches, a few museums and even a brief visit to see the world renown Ice Princess – which scientist claim to have been extremely beautiful when she was alive but really…how can you tell with skin that looks like leather from her extended stay in a brick of ice?

One of the best parts of my visit to Arequipa was the visits to the untouched areas by tourist as my friend and I would shoot ourselves far into going to the countryside and slums making our way back by foot…until we were too tired or it was too late to go on.

The visit to the local watering hole was not too bad either giving me an opportunity to improve on my bar tricks after one whole entire beer that I would milk like a cats teat during the night as we listened to live music.

I leave for Cuzco tonight with my French friend, Cecil. I am hoping that on the 10 hour night bus she will have a moment to again try to teach me a little French so that I can attempt to communicate with the hoards of French travelers I am meeting along the way in their native tongue. France has seemed to have peacefully and stealthily invaded Peru without the Peruvian intelligence even knowing about it. Soon, they will take arms and claim that Peru belongs to France. At least if this happens, travelers can be assured french fries will continue to be a staple in the Peruvian diet.

Hit by a natural land mine...

August 7th, 2010: Walking – I mean, doing an accidental dry hillside slide I managed to slip backwards landing on a natural land mine…resulting in 100 or so projectiles imbedded into my right hand – unfortunately the hand that does much more than write. This natural mine is commonly known as the M1A3 Cactus mine.

After being hit…I stood up a bit shocked as I saw the result of what just happened, looking at my hand I was seeing 2 cactus bodies and an uncountable number of thick needles deeply imbedded into my hand. After pulling off the two bodies, I hand to rip out the remaining needles by the hand full. Now, I am an official transporter as I have a bunch of bits still hiding inside, feeling it when I close or touch my hand…hoping they will naturally work themselves out without having to amputate.

Next time, before I recklessly perform an accidental dry hillside slide…I will more thoroughly checkout my path. Now, I will just be painfully reminded of my actions until the needles decide to vacate the premises.

Deeper is not always better

August 4th, 2010: Did a 3 day trek to Colca Canyon…supposedly the 2nd deepest canyon in the world. Not to sound biased, the Grand Canyon and the Canyon Lands National Park crush this hyped up Peruvian tourist Mecca proving to me that, deeper is not always better. The trip had some highlights which I would like to tell you about but I am extremely busy at the moment…traveling, so I unfortunately don’t seem to have the time.

Hiking down into Colca Canyon I was seeing a lot of donkeys…reminding me the lovin that goes on between them and some of the Colombian and Venezuelan men in the countryside - who lose their virginity to these love machine perhaps a little too often (never asks the local Ecuadorians so this I don’t know). Walking the road with my guide, I looked over and said, “Can I ask you a strange question?” Giving me permission, I asked her if it was common for men to have sex with donkeys. She confirmed it…Peruvian men love donkeys too. Every region in the world seems to have their secrets…whether it is a whispered in the ear of a donkey, sheep, chicken or even prostitute – men can at times can truly fit the saying, “Men, will f@#k anything.”

I did see some amazing stars on this trek (a trend it seems in Peru), beautiful trails, condors and even a dog with its eye hanging out - just wanting to cut the connecting string like tissue so he can continue his life lounging around in the canyon.

This hike to Colca Canyon officially, officially, officially confirmed that I am not going to do a 3,4 or 5 day trek to Machu Picchu. I decided to hang with my people…the old balding men and grey/purple tinted haired ladies and capitalize on the easy access via train. Even though I get great internal satisfaction after every struggle up or down the hills, mountains or canyons…I think at this point in my adventure, I need a break and am not going to do what a large majority of people my age are doing. So, yes…the train will be fine, thank you.

Backpack stolen…free ride in police car

August 1st, 2010: Sitting at a local restaurant in Arequipa with my new friend from France, I took up the job of being a tour guide since it was her second day in South America. For some forgotten reason, Ms. France II, went to grab something out of her bag and she reached and found nothing. Looking around on the back of her chair, under her chair and around the restaurant it could not be found. We double and triple checked, and even looked around some more…and some more. It was gone.

Once upon a time it was sitting right next to her chair as we sat in the corner of the restaurant. There was only one person that could have had an opportunity to steal it…and it was him, without us ever noticing a thing. It was her second day in South America…second day on vacation and she already lost, her $500 camera, $600USD in cash, her travel journal from the previous year which she was going to add to, passport, credit card, travel guide, a 15-inch dildo (a lie for that item – are you paying attention?) and some other misc items.

The police came by to pick us up and we sat in back as we went down to the station. You will not believe this but I knew enough Spanish to translate for my friend. Of course I was not perfect but I was able to help complete the police report in Spanish.

So, at the moment, I am now on high alert with thievery…thinking that, my day will come. My losing my wallet yesterday keeps me from getting that stolen. About that, I think I left it on my lap and it dropped to the ground as I was paying for a tour to see dead bodies - lots of them. Since I have left it on my lap quite often the past 15 months, it was bound to come up missing some day and yesterday in Nazca was that day - losing only 20USD - could have been worse.

Nazca Coaster

July 31, 2010: Flying in a tiny plane…tiny plane, I took off to see the Nazca lines. It was as if I was seeing graffiti from the skies. It was nice but once again…the ride was better that the sights, as we would bounce around taking some tight turns in the Cessna dropping and gaining altitude quickly as if we were on a roller coaster without the restrictions of those silly things called tracks or wheels.
A girl in front of me stomach didn’t seem to care for it too much as she disposed of her lunch in the bags provided – I say “bags” because it must have been a big lunch. I soon as realized what was going on I instantly reverted to breathing through my mouth to prevent any possible chain reactions or unneeded barf-o-ramas in such small confines – only every so often I would test the air…out of curiosity, but just briefly - thankfully my nose is not very functional anyhow.

The girls boyfriend had me internally laughing thinking he was sort of like…me. He first rubbed her back to show that he cared as she made her deposit…then about 20 seconds later, his camera turned toward her and started taking photos to record the history. Good man.

Desert Oasis

July 29th, 2010: A boys dream…perhaps. Standing there, I was watering a troth of moth balls – I wasn’t about to count how many…but there was a ton. As I was peeing in the pool of mothballs, I thought about the tight a## that made a complaint about not being able to take a shower for a few days and I think if I read it correctly…barely being able to go to the toilet due to the strong obnoxious stench of this white little targets. If anything he should have complained about something more important like the wall full of little cockroaches migrating to higher ground when talking a shower, reminding me of a National Geographic series I saw a while back with a bunch of African wilder beasts migrating somewhere special, I assume.

I once again learned the effectiveness of closing my eyes today. The jeep/sand boarding trip I participating in shocked me. I was not expected a jolt of adrenaline from the jeep ride but I was expecting some excitement from the sand boarding. It was quite the opposite. It had my legs violently shaking at one point and even closed my eyes – just a little…making me think on how much I am becoming like a girl – and didn’t even have to tuck it. I kept visualizing us flipping and my arm getting crushed as we flipped, rolling down the gigantic mountain of sand.

Toward the end of the trip, I offered my front row end seat to the guy next to me – making me feel much safer as I now had a human flesh safety bag in case there was an accident. Talking to the others later in the evening…it turned out the whole jeep momentarily turned into a bunch of girls. It was the combination of multiple launches off the tops of the dunes to driving more or less 1000 miles an hour down them or even having the back of the jeep sliding sideways downwards as he decided to ride across the steep mammoth mounds horizontally.

I don’t think I will be going on another jeep trip anytime soon, but if I do…I will make sure I start off in the middle, until I can judge the sanity of the driver and his appreciation for life and most of all…his lack of desire of earning a monetary tip, instead of the well needed verbal tip that he should slow the h#ll down.